>It has been two months since my 28th birthday and for some reason I have been in panic mode. I worry there are things I can’t continue doing as I get older, such as ever watching MTV again. Suddenly inching closer to 30 it feels as though I must cleanse a part of my past and also know exactly what I want for my future. Oddly enough I do know a lot about what I want many areas of my life. I’ve learned what brings me inspiration (going for a long run) and what things create toxicity in my life (watching online TV), and how to balance them.
The same thing keeps coming up about my future that I’m unsure of – romantic love. With my little sister married, my parents celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary suddenly I’m questioning my own path of romance. Since I was young I’ve believed there were so many other ways to invest my time other than spending them with boys (a mentality my father certainly encouraged). I say many times that I could have found a cure for cancer in the time I have spent thinking about or spending with men. (Please ignore the also obvious reason for not finding a cure that I am not a scientist.)
Some days I want the whole kit and caboodle (what ever that means) with a husband, 2.5 kids, a dog and a house in the burbs. Other days I want a significant partnership where I can still spend time with other men in whatever way I please. And then on other days I want to continue making out with whomever I want and keeping my options wide open. This is what I struggle with a lot being a woman today…the tug of tradition with the pull of modernity. I want to make my own money and at the same time the idea of a man to provide for me also sounds quite appealing. Kids sound fun, but do I really want to keep the same guy around until they are grown up? And better yet…Why do I even think I have to answer this question right now? As one of my favorite quotes reminds me…live into the questions knowing the answers may or may not be just around the corner.
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign languague. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” Rainier Maria Rilke
IDK, and that’s okay.
Today I’m grateful for Suppenkuche, work, and MOAD.