Here I go again – another fling/relationship/whatever ends and once again find myself in a familiar situation. Wondering why I let things go the way they did instead of standing up for what I really wanted and asking it for myself. I thought I had it and then I shut down, and then he shut down, and now we’re both shut.
The sinking feeling of lonliness begins to creep in…then I get out angry girl music, go to the gym (a lot), write him an angry letter then delete it, cry, and remove his phone number from my phone in case a weak moment hits. Then I get out my trusty “He’s Just Not that Into You” book. (This is also where I confess I broke my sugar fast to eat some peanut butter bon bons.) Greg reminds me to stop wasting time on men who aren’t worthy of another second. All of this may sound like a self-empowering single silliness (wow, triple alliteration, nice Becky!), but it helps me remember what I deserve and so quickly forget with a good kisser who seems nice, enough.
Instead I find myself in a series of half-assed partial relationships (heaven forbid we talk about what we are) with young guys who don’t even want to plan ahead long enough to have an actual date. Enjoying the gray area of friendship so as not to have to be responsible for my feelings. I welcomed this last gray area in for my own safety and realized that the gray actually hurts us both and encourages games and ridiculousness.
And yet the pattern is deeper than that. It’s also about not trying to make something into something it isn’t. So many times I have felt major warning flags and still continued thinking that knowing I don’t want to be with them longterm will somehow protect me from getting hurt. Not so loved one, the more we come to know someone we can’t help but build some sort of attachment. Once the attachment begins emotions run wild. Games and insecurity have no place in true compatibility and feel like they replace something when it isn’t there…as does physical chemistry.
So what did I learn from this past “relationship?” I am evo”loving”…we didn’t rush into things like I have in the past. We really built something before becoming intimate and that could be why this one hurts more than the last. Somewhere with him I wasn’t my best self and that becomes the best reason not to continue something. I also repeated patterns such as not leaving him alone when he was pulling away and instead forced communication. Yup, still got a ways to go, but I’m much closer than I was before.
In the meantime there will probably be more frogs…or maybe a partial toad like the last one. Although if the really good ones came along all the time we wouldn’t be able to spot them as easily. I’m going to rise in love (and not just fall) and in the meantime with a few more weeks left of Venus Retrograde set some super helpful standards I will not forsake no matter how hot (or a good kisser) he is:
- I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first. (you like me, come and get me)
- I will not date a man who continuously calls me his “friend.” (we are not friends, we are more than friends…deal with it.)
- I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone (e.g. calls when he says he will).
- I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me. (we aren’t “kinda hanging out” or “sorta dating” buddy – it doesn’t always take money to go on a date)
- I will not date with a man who enjoys the “murky.” (I live in SF and don’t need more fog.)
- I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable. (enough said)
- I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable. (I am not AA or rehab)
- I will not date a man who tells me he calls me when he’s lonely. (get yourself together and then come find me)
- I will not date a man who is afraid to talk about our future. (If there isn’t one, let’s talk about that instead!!)
- I will not date a man who is married or in a monogamous relationship. (enough said, been there done that, bleh.)
- I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, and loving person. (Why didn’t I think of this before!!)
Today I’m grateful for love, Greg Behrendt, and “He’s Just Not That Into You.”