So much change has been happening and I am experiencing deaths of all kinds, not the “petite mou” kind as in orgasm (as in French), or the physical deaths. I am instead mourning the death of so many things in my life that have to go for me to fully step into my next phase of life. I’m doing my best to ride the seas of uncertainty. I find myself wanting to cling to something percieved to be static…a person, a place, a thing. I’m aware all of it’s an illusion, but I don’t know how else to cope. I’m scared, and scared of what? Of being out of control, of actually have to face who I have to be and the voice of love calling me forward into the woman I will be. What’s so scary about the future filled with uncertainty? It’s as if I’m leaving college all over again or choosing a major. How do I find trust in the uncertain? There is a certainty I believe…that all of the rocking of my ship is for the better.
All the parts of me that are dying, must die for me to become the woman I know I am. I don’t know her, so I don’t know how to reach her or talk to her, or act like her. She’s in there somewhere intelligent, powerful, and beautiful. I feel her reaching for me and I’m afraid to grasp, for when I do the little girl in me has to die. And with her all the ways I’ve been in my past that don’t serve me. Yes, all the comfortable ways of being that involve my fear of abandonment I didn’t know I had, an inability to recieve love, and all the yucky things about myself I am finally seeing.
It has become ap”parent” to me that my parents and I have a relationship that is rapidly changing. I can’t be the little girl I have been for the past 29 years. Instead I can only be myself and have to stay grounded in what that means to me. When people disagree with you or don’t approve of your choices, or are struggling with their own. It makes it so difficult for me to feel their love. I’m realizing what’s important to me is to ask for love when I don’t feel it. Being a little girl means depending up on them in an unconscious way, it means not having a space for something outside of what they want for me. I don’t want to disappoint them and I also have to stand up and strong in who I am, even if that means disappointing them.
I’m swimming in the seas of uncertainty and what has to die is my desire to control what’s happening and what’s next. I must trust this change is for the best. So much of my personality that is ambitious and action-oriented has to surrender to the larger uncertainty that is life. I need to be willing to take risks in the name of my desires.
I’m also mourning my future. Someone I cared for for so long and I spent years of my life living in the hope of us being together again. He’s not coming back, we aren’t going to be together again and I have to mourn all that will never be. It’s as if we’re breaking up all over again. A piece of me knew this was what would be, but my hope wouldn’t let me let him go. Instead I listened to songs about people leaving and coming back for the happily ever after. There will be no ever after and even in uncertainy there’s a level of prevailing doubt. I spent years not investing in anyone else because in the back of my mind he and I had it made. No one would compare…and now someone has to, because it won’t be him. I’m sad for all I wanted that will never be, with him.
And that’s the way it should be. Life would be infinitely less fun if we knew. Indeed the two certain things of life…death and change.”When have you ever been made less by dying.”-Rumi. In fact this time around, I’ve been made more by dying.
Today I’m grateful for new neighbors, Devotchka, and my toes in the grass.