Intimacy by nature requires vulnerability. It has come to my attention recently that I’m not very vulnerable about what my inner experience really is, I’m fine sharing my day, sometimes a mood, but my inner experience of who I am stays completely hidden for the most part. And actually, that’s the part people most want to see. We relate on common ground and shared experience, what happens on the inside is so similar. I always thought I was intimate with people and am realizing now, the vulnerability piece has been missing. I think that’s actually why I started this blog, to show and share my vulnerability with others, and create intimacy and shared experience with people I don’t even know. (or people I do know like my mom who is the main subscriber) 😉 After realizing this about myself I picked up Osho’s “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other.” Because honestly Osho just gets it, all of it, all the time it seems.
Intimacy as exposing our deepest feelings and vulnerabilities. Where I seem to veer off the intimacy and vulnerability track is when staying grounded in my own inner strength so even if the other person remains closed, no damage has been done to me. I want to allow someone else in through my vulnerability. In the cheesy “in to me you see” way, we allow and invite someone into our inner self. People wonder deep down if their romantic and other relationships are strong enough to bear truth of what really goes on inside our heads…afraid to test the full waters of intimacy. Prefering instead to stay in the shallow waters of superficiality. If a relationship survives truth then it is beautiful, if not at least a falsity was discovered so that both parties can move on. Lately I’m aware of how intimate my friends and I are. I have reached a point where I am allowing my vulnerability to shine through and in the process have allowed people to see into me.As Osho says, once again he nails it, “ That’s the meaning of love, that at least in one person’s presence we can be totally nude.” (literally and figuratively) I also don’t want this to sound limiting and associate intimacy “soul”y with lovers. Many lovers aren’t actually intimate. In Western culture we seem to focus intimacy on our “intimate relationships.” And it confuses me because aren’t all relationships intimate? We rely on one person, unrealistically for so much when we actually have enough intimacy to go around. And yet, I also believe many lovers aren’t actually intimate. Intimacy is separate from being sexually connected to someone. We are stingy, I refer to myself here, with our vulnerability and intimacy. I want people to see the inner me, knowing a part of myself will always be hidden. I have plenty to spare. When I’m hurting I want to allow someone to see that and know if they do see and run, it’s their own fear of vulnerability rearing its ugly head.
Today I’m grateful for Thai iced tea, afternoon snacks, and class.