Today is the first day of February (or the month of love you would think according to advertisements everywhere) and I was confronted yesterday by something about myself I haven’t been willing to face. (Here is the point in the post where I warn you this post is more journal entry that blog and has a deeply personal part of myself needing expression and acknowledgment as a way of releasing it.) Like many of us I have a weak sense of personal power. I consistently don’t say what I really want for fear of being considered high maintenance or bitchy. The truth is as I get older I am more and more clear on what I want and yet still have difficulty expressing it, as if I’m afraid of hearing my own voice.
Several case in points just today, someone cut in front of me in line at the grocery store and I didn’t say anything. Sure it is small and maybe silly, but my personal power had a chance to stand up for itself and I didn’t do it. Or how I’m afraid to apply for a program I want because I’m afraid I won’t get in because I’m not smart enough. Or that when I get off the bus I am afraid to say “thank you” loud enough for the driver to hear it because I don’t want to disturb others. Somewhere along the way I lost my sense of personal power and with my 30th birthday around the corner I’m excited to beging retrieving it. It boils down again and again to self-worth and self-love. So, with the month of love ahead I’m much more interested in reminding myself of my own love. Here’s a bit of classic Marianne Williamson to get me started:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”