When I was younger I had fantasies of a man who looked like Prince Philip from “Sleeping Beauty.” Now, as an adult I dream of kind, intelligent, goofy man with a secure attachment style (and it certainly doesn’t hurt if he looks like Prince Philip).

Since studying attachment styles I’ve come to see just how important it is that my future partner have a healthy

attachment style. For a prone to anxious person such as myself the securely attached men I have dated were wonderful. Those avoidant types only further trigger my feelings of insecurity and have been pretty miserable for me to date. I had permission to be myself and wasn’t ever left wondering how they felt about me because even if they didn’t say it in words, their being said it all.

Spotting a secure partner is easier than I thought it would be. Simply put — they aren’t afraid of closeness and intimacy. Men who seem to fear either of those, I might advise looking elsewhere or knowing the relationship could be more difficult than it needs to be. For the healthily attachment  man creating relationships is easy and natural. Here are some ways to spot the securely attached from the book Attached (my attachment style Bible):

  • Reliable and consistent
  • Make decisions with you (not unilaterally)
  • Flexible vew of relationships
  • Communicates relationship issues well
  • Can reach compromise during arguments
  • Not afraid of commitment or dependency
  • Doesn’t view relationships as hard work
  • Closeness creates further closeness (rather than distancing)
  • Introduces you to friends and family early on
  • Naturally expresses feelings for you
  • Doesn’t play games

Pretty simple, right? Dating men (and women) with these qualities will only make dating that much more enjoyable — for everyone involved. So, as my eight weeks of group therapy on intimacy ends I’ve learned a lot about the way I relate and am excited to cultivate a healthier attachment within myself. While I know finding a list about how to notice someone ready for relating on a deep level…that isn’t all I’ve learned about myself over the past few weeks, it’s a huge part of it and very important to how I approach all my relationships from here on out. (Insert some sort of witty saying about being securely attached here as I’m far too excited with this information to sit down long enough to come up with one.)

[Photo: Lofty Existence]

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